It is done. I have come through the fire. I faced my demon, and stood up for what I believed. And it hurt. But I feel liberated in a way I have not felt until now.
Now I need to build a life.
Movin' on Up
17 years ago
20081221
20080907
The voice I hear
"I will fight for her (my country) for as long as I draw breath. So help me god." ~John McCain
No words cemented my vote more.
I too am my country's man, and those words echo into my own soul. I serve my country in every facet of my life, in every way that I can, and it is not pride that drives me to do so. It is a repayment for every blessing she has given me. It is a debt I owe to the place that has sheltered me, given me hope and oportunities.
Country First. Service.
That is the voice I hear.
No words cemented my vote more.
I too am my country's man, and those words echo into my own soul. I serve my country in every facet of my life, in every way that I can, and it is not pride that drives me to do so. It is a repayment for every blessing she has given me. It is a debt I owe to the place that has sheltered me, given me hope and oportunities.
Country First. Service.
That is the voice I hear.
20080824
High Speed weekend
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Thats me... LIVING ON THE EDGE... you would be awestruck to know how highspeed my weekend was.
Yesterday I helped my best gal J pack for a camping trip with her boyfriend. (Gasp.. the decadence) and then she and I went to see a TOTAL Clamfest movie "Mama Mia" (I think I have estrogen poisoning) and then we went to the grocery store for ICE... and THEN I came home and took a shower and went to bed to watch a movie.
And now... for the TOTALLY racey part.
Today... hold on to your hats... I cleaned and reorganized my closet and ALL my drawyers. **thud** Yes... my shoes are now stacked according to color, old clothes are tossed in the goodwill bag and blouses and skirts are sorted by color once again.
The next brave adventure... tidying up the jewelry box. And cleaning the bathrooms.
I live large, let me tell you. I live large.
Yesterday I helped my best gal J pack for a camping trip with her boyfriend. (Gasp.. the decadence) and then she and I went to see a TOTAL Clamfest movie "Mama Mia" (I think I have estrogen poisoning) and then we went to the grocery store for ICE... and THEN I came home and took a shower and went to bed to watch a movie.
And now... for the TOTALLY racey part.
Today... hold on to your hats... I cleaned and reorganized my closet and ALL my drawyers. **thud** Yes... my shoes are now stacked according to color, old clothes are tossed in the goodwill bag and blouses and skirts are sorted by color once again.
The next brave adventure... tidying up the jewelry box. And cleaning the bathrooms.
I live large, let me tell you. I live large.
20080821
Hanging on Joy
I know I should be writing more, channeling my thoughts into coherent text to salve my soul. Instead I am trapped in a motionless place, where no thoughts stray through my head. The constant mental chatter that I have lived with for years, the planning, the dreaming, the ideas, are all gone, lost in the void of stress as I push my way forward to the future.
I'm fighting my own demons right now, trying to remember that all will be as it is meant to be, but the real struggle is to hang on to Joy.
A good friend once told me that Happiness is like a butterfly, it comes and goes on its own, and you cannot predict it or hold on to it, but that Joy is a choice you make every day. What a revolutionary thought, to CHOOSE Joy, even in the midst of chaos, even in a rotten time, or bad luck or a time of grief or sadness. To choose to reach out and be joyful about the gifts we are granted, even as things fall through our fingers like water.
Joy has become the hook I try to hang my hat on. Finding that hook in the darkness is going to take some luck or some skill, but I WILL find it, and when I do, I will hang on Joy. And Joy shall lift me up.
I'm fighting my own demons right now, trying to remember that all will be as it is meant to be, but the real struggle is to hang on to Joy.
A good friend once told me that Happiness is like a butterfly, it comes and goes on its own, and you cannot predict it or hold on to it, but that Joy is a choice you make every day. What a revolutionary thought, to CHOOSE Joy, even in the midst of chaos, even in a rotten time, or bad luck or a time of grief or sadness. To choose to reach out and be joyful about the gifts we are granted, even as things fall through our fingers like water.
Joy has become the hook I try to hang my hat on. Finding that hook in the darkness is going to take some luck or some skill, but I WILL find it, and when I do, I will hang on Joy. And Joy shall lift me up.
20080813
Mocking folk
Yes I realize I havent blogged in like two weeks. My life is chaotic.. sue me. ;)
Today I am sitting at Panera waiting for a meeting watching the people. This woman walks in looking like a Fraggle who has been riding in a convertable all day, blonde 'fro going EVERYwhere, and her grandmom style outfit, tan too tight capris, hot pink button down shirt and birks only added to the image. Fraggle Granny on the MOVE! And yes, ladies and gents she showed up here with a BRAND new laptop. Still in the box. Popped that sucker out of the box and proceded to try to set everything up. Took 3 tables, she couldnt find an outlet (Panera doesnt have many of those darn them) and paper and packing stuff everywhere.
After 20 minutes of frustration, she smooshed it all back in the box, packed out her trash and left.
Oh yeah, and she never bought any food at Panera.
THIS my friends, explains why there is weird stuff on the internet. They'll give anyone a computer these days! LOL
Today I am sitting at Panera waiting for a meeting watching the people. This woman walks in looking like a Fraggle who has been riding in a convertable all day, blonde 'fro going EVERYwhere, and her grandmom style outfit, tan too tight capris, hot pink button down shirt and birks only added to the image. Fraggle Granny on the MOVE! And yes, ladies and gents she showed up here with a BRAND new laptop. Still in the box. Popped that sucker out of the box and proceded to try to set everything up. Took 3 tables, she couldnt find an outlet (Panera doesnt have many of those darn them) and paper and packing stuff everywhere.
After 20 minutes of frustration, she smooshed it all back in the box, packed out her trash and left.
Oh yeah, and she never bought any food at Panera.
THIS my friends, explains why there is weird stuff on the internet. They'll give anyone a computer these days! LOL
20080731
A mother's love
Red's post about her mom made me think of my own mom. Thank gods she never reads blogs or she would kill me for talking about her here. IF she ever does...Mom I'm sorry, but the good stuff writes itself.
I love my Mama. I do. But she is certain she is dying of something on any given day. Some days it is pancreatic cancer or cancer of the intestines. Other days she is sure it is a brain tumor. I dont mind that she worries so much, but hearing the daily recitation of what color someone's poo is, well, that is certainly a conversation killer.
Today's conversation went like this...
Me "How was your day?"
Mom "I felt better today..my poop wasnt red or too chunky."
Me "Um, good?"
Mom "And it wasnt nearly as runny as it has been."
Me "Mom.. I think this counts as TMI."
And thus the coversation switches to something more harmles, like how fat I've gotten, or why I can't find a nice 40 something year old man with no kids and no baggage, who hasnt been divorced, doesnt have a problem with the fact that I have a past more checkered than a room full of Italian tablecloths.
I think I would rather have talked about the Poo.
I love my Mama. I do. But she is certain she is dying of something on any given day. Some days it is pancreatic cancer or cancer of the intestines. Other days she is sure it is a brain tumor. I dont mind that she worries so much, but hearing the daily recitation of what color someone's poo is, well, that is certainly a conversation killer.
Today's conversation went like this...
Me "How was your day?"
Mom "I felt better today..my poop wasnt red or too chunky."
Me "Um, good?"
Mom "And it wasnt nearly as runny as it has been."
Me "Mom.. I think this counts as TMI."
And thus the coversation switches to something more harmles, like how fat I've gotten, or why I can't find a nice 40 something year old man with no kids and no baggage, who hasnt been divorced, doesnt have a problem with the fact that I have a past more checkered than a room full of Italian tablecloths.
I think I would rather have talked about the Poo.
20080728
A whole nother life
I've had a couple lives. That sounds very mystical and cool/crazy until you realize that I'm talking about where I've been in this life time.
There is the girl I was.
The young married pagan priestess I was, with young children and a husband.
The shell I was after our divorce.
The sturdy lieutenant who works watchfully to make sure her family is provided for.
I've been a lot of people. And not everyone who knows me has been able to travel through those lives with me. My family has been drug along for the ride, and weathered it well. A handfull of brave amazon friends have clung to me through the briars and brush.
Like a snake shedding her skin, each change has brought me new lessons, new challenges, new talents. I hated the pain of transformation, but I have loved the results.
I am on the cusp of another transition. A victory over my fears. Ahead lies a path filled with hard work and challenges.
I am so excited.
There is the girl I was.
The young married pagan priestess I was, with young children and a husband.
The shell I was after our divorce.
The sturdy lieutenant who works watchfully to make sure her family is provided for.
I've been a lot of people. And not everyone who knows me has been able to travel through those lives with me. My family has been drug along for the ride, and weathered it well. A handfull of brave amazon friends have clung to me through the briars and brush.
Like a snake shedding her skin, each change has brought me new lessons, new challenges, new talents. I hated the pain of transformation, but I have loved the results.
I am on the cusp of another transition. A victory over my fears. Ahead lies a path filled with hard work and challenges.
I am so excited.
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